Untitled.

My mother said I need to live within my means
But I'm constantly stuck floating within my dreams
I'm never in between
There is no such thing as a gray scale
It's either do bad or live well
Have the ability to buy and never sell
To keep a dollar in my pocket
I just wanna be the reason the stock market rocket
Why I'm looking so good and everybody wanna mock it
See, I want my mom to be proud but not just off my grades
But because she can finally rest off whatever I make from my raise
Instead of getting delayed, I'm steadily getting paid
Ringing bells for the maid
So anything she desires is already made
Nocturnal living, nighttime our eyes open, long slumbers in the day
Anticipating the night again when I'm back to getting paid to play
And when I wake up, he's never there to stay
I say "I don't care" but I feel empty when there's no one there to lay
With me, just that one person which is mine
which is okay
Til that night when I go out and it's a different him the next day
So I just roll outta bed and on my knees to pray
For forgiveness I just hope God listens to what I have to say
But he probably won't because I only come to him to excuse my bad ways
And tell him it's the life that I dreamed of but never thought it'd come true
When I didn't have nothing but all I had was You
But He got lost in my entourage
The third party in my menage
With fame and fortune too
Til they all became one body and my vision became confused
But now I live as an artist, painting without a muse
Everything I wanted is paid for but I still got a balance left on my dues
Because I refuse to work when the one in front of me didn't do sh*t
My vocabulary is so immense but I never learned the word quit
And once I'm down from my high
No longer living in the sky
Floating between what I want and what I need
Falling back to my reality at an alarming speed
I'm back to where I was destined to be
The girl who wants it all but stuck living within her means

Tatted up Like a G

7-30-09: I got my first tattoo. Well, my first two tattoos. 2 for $40. I got some things that are pretty much cool stuff to me, I guess.


But something just doesn't feel right......

Aint Nothing Goin' On Over Here

So I started out this blog to feature the writings and art of my friends and I, but things are terribly slow and we are all a pretty lazy bunch. I need to go to Utretcht art store ASAP and pick up some cotton duck canvas and stretchers and some new brushes. I need to get back to what makes me happy and relaxed.

My Favorite Words: Vol. I: BLAH

I don't know why I have begun to use this word so much the last few weeks, but it seems to be the perfect closing statement to anything I say or have been feelings. I looked up the word "blah" and Webster's Dictionary defines it as "silly or pretentious chatter or nonsense; a feeling of boredom, lethargy or general dissatisfaction." Being that I NEVER chatter about nonsense and I'm not pretentious because I don't have a clue what that word means, I realized that it does describe some of the things I have been feeling or going through.

I am not a party girl, never have, probably never will be. I do not like crowds or being out late at night or having to have extra money for cabs just in case I do. My friends are not into the same "scene" as I am, so I have no company to share in my usual quips. Alot of the people I know don't even know what a "quip" is so therefore I am usually disinterested in anything my friends are involved in. In other words, I'm a pretty boring girl. I get the most kicks out of buying $5 nail polish, which makes me feel fancy, and spending long hours mixing colors and painting my nails. I used to enjoy shopping but I cant afford anything that isn't on sale or isn't given to me as a gift, so all those hours of being out and shopping have dwindled to looking online at the wonderful things I cannot buy. I hate talking on the phone, I hate listening to people talk, I hate getting up period. Sometimes I wish I had my own apartment so I could experience boredom alone.

In terms of "disatisfaction" as stated in the definition, I seem to be very disatisfied with alot of things in my life. Work sucks because my managers are like 24 year olds who try to act like real adults and make demands that us 22 year olds are not with. Hunter College is trying to trap me in their school forever and I am forced to take 6 classes totalling 17 credits for one semester. My family is more fu*ked up than ever and I am in love. You may think this is just the normal life of any 20-something but I surely did not picture life to be like this.

So, I have made the word "blah" a solid part of my vocabulary. I say it when someone says something stupid or that I don't agree with; I say it when I am disgusted; I say it when something has startled me; I say it when im asked, "jaz, how are you today?" "Blah." I have even resorted to writing it on the board at work. Some idiot decided it'd be good for us to write our feelings down on board, beginning with the phrase "Today I am feeling_______" I believe I've wrote down "blah" at least 3x's.

Well I think I kinda like this idea of "My Favorite Words..." and I might make it a staple.

Updates.

So, I haven't been "blogging" as frequently as I would have liked to this summer and to be honest, I don't even have an good excuse as to why not. Work @ UGG has been super-duper slow and I find myself being the first to volunteer to leave early. Of course, there's no school so combined with that and practically no hours at work, I should have a new post for my handfull of readers EVERYDAY. But unfortunately, my own laziness has gotten the best of me. Again. I rather lay down all day, or sleep late or text or Twitter my time down the toilet instead of pouring the things that boil within my brain and heart out onto paper or electronically. But not to worry, I have maybe 3-5 new poems/thoughts that I plan to post this week. No one actually reads my blog but I feel that if I just put my work out there, maybe one day it will grab someones attention. But besides all of that, I just wanna update you guys on a few things that went down so far this summer. . .

-Well once school was over, I just knew the fun hot summer was gonna begin ASAP. But not so fast, said God & the weatherman. It felt like for 40days and 40nights like the Bible Story, it rained non-stop, canceling any and all plans for cookouts, beach parties or just any type of fun. Jackets in June? Yes, it did happen. I mean after probably the 3rd week of rain, I actually grew to like it. The gloom somehow set the tone for my mood and once the rain did in fact stop, a tiny part in my body missed it.

-I know this is a little late to write about, but the week before my 22nd birthday back in April, my beloved Sidekick LX broke :-(. I could still text and talk and sign onto AIM but none of the important function buttons worked. I had to come up with my own combo's in order to find someone on my contacts list or to look up my schedule for school on the calendar. Alot of people were even happy to see it broke; I took alot of flack for being 21-22 with a sidekick but I thought hey, its a phone and thats the only reason why I kept it around. But looking around to all my friends, everyone was equipped with fancy touch screen phones, Blackberry's and iPhones. Seeing as though I rather have $200 pairs of jeans then to spend that on getting a new phone, it took me 3 months to finally give in and purchase a new phone. YES!!! So to make a long story short, I bought the iPhone 3G for $99 bucks and may I say it was one of the best purchases I probably made in my life.

-Ummm, yea so me and the Mr. of course had our usual ups & downs but just to tell ya'll in advance, in August we will make ONE YEAR. Its a little scary because I was single for 2 years and actually enjoyed that freedom but now I'm glued to this kid and kind of never want to get un-glued (if that's the correct term). We have never officially named each other "bf & gf" but I mean, duh. We don't need terms or names for what we are and what we have, its just a certain smell that makes each of us know "what it is."

-No matter what season it is, I always seem to lose friends, not in death or anything, but just friendship. A few of the people I met at the 2nd Annual W.R and seemed to instantly befriend, slipped from my friendly grasp and hopefully they broke their necks. I do not like to seem as if I'm a "beast" for someone's friendship because I lived 22 years without these specific people and I'm pretty sure I'm good in the Lord's book to live another 22 years without them.

-I was in a car accident. Hurt my back pretty bad. Got 2 Jewish lawyers that I hope will get me all the money in the world. 'Nuff said.

There were a few updates that I missed or skipped but if I ever get over this flu, I'll try to sit up another day and write it all out. Goodnight!

R.I.P MJ

I know its been a few days since his passing, and so many people have sung his praise and acknowledged his genius everyday since, but I felt that it was my turn to express my feelings on the King of Pop.

I am only 22 yrs old, not even old enough to remember the "Off The Wall", "Thriller" and even the "Bad" albums (the Jackson 5 era, forget it, my mother barely remembers), but being in a household full of older siblings, his music was passed on down to me. I was only about 7 years old when I memorized both the "Thriller and "Beat It" dance routine & proudly showcased MJ's smoove moves at family gatherings or just joshin' around the house. I remember years before that, watching the entire making of "Thriller" and the movie from which they made the "Smooth Criminal" video from. Whenever my four sisters and I sat around the tube watching award shows and performances, we ALWAYS asked one another "you think Michael Jackson is gonna come out?!"; even if it was one of those boring Oscar dance performances, we sat in anticipation of Michael Jackson busting through the curtains and commanding attention like the statue on the cover of his "HIStory" album. Everytime Usher performed, Chris Brown spun, Justin did a move or Ne-Yo sang, we always felt that they were just copying MJ, never "paying homage" as they always claimed. I remember when he had his anniversary special for his Thriller album and Usher had the nerve to try to battle him but Michael glided right across that stage leaving Usher and that goddamn spinning U-chain in his shadows.

I know all of his songs, most of his dance moves and I even grew to love his sister Janet. Their song & video for "Scream" still never gets the credit it should but I always thought it to be one of the greatest music moments I ever saw. The King of Pop and his sort of Queen of dance(?) sister, Janet, in one video, side by side.

When I heard the news of his passing, I automatically called my friend Fatima, probably one of the biggest MJ fans. If I know all the words to a song, she definitely knows the ad-libs, the riffs, the notes and the date in which MJ wrote it. If I know all the dances from his videos, she would be the choreographer of it all, right down to the snap of a finger. Ever since I met her 8 years ago, she has always expressed her undying love for MJ and his music. One funny moment was when were sitting around waiting for class to start and she broke out singing "Liberian Girl." I didn't know what the hell she was singing. I shot her the chopped and screwed face and she was so shocked that I did not know it was an MJ track. I guess you can call me a bandwagon fan since I mostly only know all his popular songs and probably a handful of ones that people never even heard of. But this girl Fatima, knew EVERYTHING. For Christmas a mutual friend of ours bought her a compilation special edition CD of MJ with almost every song he ever recorded, from his Jackson 5 days, right down to his last album "Invincible." I swear to you, I never saw so many tears flow from someone eyes from happiness in my life. Last year, when we first learned MJ was sick, we sat around in school and discussed the "what would you do if MJ ever died?" This question was also posed by my sisters and I almost everytime someone mentioned MJ or alluded to him. And every answer to this question some cataclysmic ending. Either the world would end, get devoured into a black hole, music would die, the human race would vanish into thin air, or everyone on Earth would commit suicide. Sadly, we never knew that that question would so quickly be answered.

I was never an MJ fanatic, yes I cried a few times watching him dance or screamed like a school-girl when I heard his young pre-pubescent voice over "Got To Be There" or "ABC" during his Jackson 5 period, BUT his death nonetheless took my breath away. As I write this post, I still do not believe he is gone but the stack of newspapers on my bed showing his face, with the 1958-2009 timeline beneathe it, tell me otherwise. I imagine that he is still alive, only faking his death to escape the stressful and detrimental aspects of the "industry." But my imagination continues to fail me as the news speaks about his funeral arrangements & shows the numerous memorials in his honor. Somewhere MJ is tugging on his white glove, shining up his loafers, positioning his hat just right as he finally gets a chance to truly walk the moon. . .

Oh, I Think I Like Him....

So I was put onto another dope poet by my main man Kas and this young man definitely became an inspiration for another post and an idea to showcase or highlight some of my writing buddies. I don't know him personally YET, but from one creative person to the next, Sincerest Apologies, you got it man......


P.S his blog URL is www.itsnofacade.blogspot.com.... love him