Untitled.

My mother said I need to live within my means
But I'm constantly stuck floating within my dreams
I'm never in between
There is no such thing as a gray scale
It's either do bad or live well
Have the ability to buy and never sell
To keep a dollar in my pocket
I just wanna be the reason the stock market rocket
Why I'm looking so good and everybody wanna mock it
See, I want my mom to be proud but not just off my grades
But because she can finally rest off whatever I make from my raise
Instead of getting delayed, I'm steadily getting paid
Ringing bells for the maid
So anything she desires is already made
Nocturnal living, nighttime our eyes open, long slumbers in the day
Anticipating the night again when I'm back to getting paid to play
And when I wake up, he's never there to stay
I say "I don't care" but I feel empty when there's no one there to lay
With me, just that one person which is mine
which is okay
Til that night when I go out and it's a different him the next day
So I just roll outta bed and on my knees to pray
For forgiveness I just hope God listens to what I have to say
But he probably won't because I only come to him to excuse my bad ways
And tell him it's the life that I dreamed of but never thought it'd come true
When I didn't have nothing but all I had was You
But He got lost in my entourage
The third party in my menage
With fame and fortune too
Til they all became one body and my vision became confused
But now I live as an artist, painting without a muse
Everything I wanted is paid for but I still got a balance left on my dues
Because I refuse to work when the one in front of me didn't do sh*t
My vocabulary is so immense but I never learned the word quit
And once I'm down from my high
No longer living in the sky
Floating between what I want and what I need
Falling back to my reality at an alarming speed
I'm back to where I was destined to be
The girl who wants it all but stuck living within her means

Tatted up Like a G

7-30-09: I got my first tattoo. Well, my first two tattoos. 2 for $40. I got some things that are pretty much cool stuff to me, I guess.


But something just doesn't feel right......

Aint Nothing Goin' On Over Here

So I started out this blog to feature the writings and art of my friends and I, but things are terribly slow and we are all a pretty lazy bunch. I need to go to Utretcht art store ASAP and pick up some cotton duck canvas and stretchers and some new brushes. I need to get back to what makes me happy and relaxed.

My Favorite Words: Vol. I: BLAH

I don't know why I have begun to use this word so much the last few weeks, but it seems to be the perfect closing statement to anything I say or have been feelings. I looked up the word "blah" and Webster's Dictionary defines it as "silly or pretentious chatter or nonsense; a feeling of boredom, lethargy or general dissatisfaction." Being that I NEVER chatter about nonsense and I'm not pretentious because I don't have a clue what that word means, I realized that it does describe some of the things I have been feeling or going through.

I am not a party girl, never have, probably never will be. I do not like crowds or being out late at night or having to have extra money for cabs just in case I do. My friends are not into the same "scene" as I am, so I have no company to share in my usual quips. Alot of the people I know don't even know what a "quip" is so therefore I am usually disinterested in anything my friends are involved in. In other words, I'm a pretty boring girl. I get the most kicks out of buying $5 nail polish, which makes me feel fancy, and spending long hours mixing colors and painting my nails. I used to enjoy shopping but I cant afford anything that isn't on sale or isn't given to me as a gift, so all those hours of being out and shopping have dwindled to looking online at the wonderful things I cannot buy. I hate talking on the phone, I hate listening to people talk, I hate getting up period. Sometimes I wish I had my own apartment so I could experience boredom alone.

In terms of "disatisfaction" as stated in the definition, I seem to be very disatisfied with alot of things in my life. Work sucks because my managers are like 24 year olds who try to act like real adults and make demands that us 22 year olds are not with. Hunter College is trying to trap me in their school forever and I am forced to take 6 classes totalling 17 credits for one semester. My family is more fu*ked up than ever and I am in love. You may think this is just the normal life of any 20-something but I surely did not picture life to be like this.

So, I have made the word "blah" a solid part of my vocabulary. I say it when someone says something stupid or that I don't agree with; I say it when I am disgusted; I say it when something has startled me; I say it when im asked, "jaz, how are you today?" "Blah." I have even resorted to writing it on the board at work. Some idiot decided it'd be good for us to write our feelings down on board, beginning with the phrase "Today I am feeling_______" I believe I've wrote down "blah" at least 3x's.

Well I think I kinda like this idea of "My Favorite Words..." and I might make it a staple.